What starts as a small issue quickly escalates into hurt feelings and defensiveness. The original problem gets lost and the new focus becomes self-protection.

A simple example:

• One spouse criticizes the other’s TV show choice.

• The other snaps back about “never getting my way.”

• Soon, old grievances surface, voices rise, and both sides are slinging personal attacks.

In less than a minute, the conversation shifts from “Which show do we watch?” to “You don’t respect me.” That’s ego conflict.

Why it’s so tough: when people feel attacked, they shut down or strike back harder. Either way, it creates a spiral.

How to handle it:

• Start with uninterrupted listening.

Let one person speak fully—without interruption—until they’ve expressed what they think, feel, and want. Even the most upset person will not go on much longer than three minutes if he or she knows they are being heard.

Caution: If you interrupt the speaker, putting in your two-cents worth or saying   something like “No, that’s not what happened,” the conflict will get worse. You’re giving the first speaker a reason to keep on going, often with more rancor than before.

Then switch roles. The second person talks while the first person just listens, listens, listens without any interruption.

At this point, you’re simply trying to understand the issue, not resolve it.  You’re too raw and hurting for that to happen.

         Cool off before continuing.

If you feel yourself thinking of sharp comebacks, take a break. Better to step away for an hour—or even a day—than say something you’ll regret.

Remember: If you say something nasty, if you go back and say you’re sorry and didn’t mean it, let me remind you that the other person will never forget what you said. So learn to shut up and don’t say the things you shouldn’t say. Period!!!

• Avoid “why” questions.

When you get back together after your cooling-off period, don’t ask “why” questions. “Why did you say that?” The other person will almost always blame you for something, and you’re right back into another ego conflict.

Tip: Stay away from the “why” questions. They invite defensiveness. Focus on the “what” and “how” questions. Such as “What are we going to do about it?” That’s a solution-focused question.

► 4. Value Conflict

Value conflicts are about beliefs—what’s right or wrong, good or bad. They are the hardest to resolve because they cut to the core of who we are.

Think about issues like politics, religion, honesty in business, or family traditions. These aren’t just preferences; they’re personal convictions.

For example, two people may disagree over abortion, capital punishment, free speech, politics, or religion.  Or you may believe in always telling your customer the truth, but your boss wants you to lie to the customer.  They’re all value conflicts.  The two of you have very different values as to what is right or wrong.

One real example from a workshop participant: A woman told me she disowned her daughter for marrying outside their church and hadn’t spoken to her in three years. That’s a heartbreaking value conflict.

How to handle it:

• Avoid when possible.

Some value conflicts simply don’t have a middle ground. So if you see a value conflict coming and it isn’t central to your work or relationship, sidestep it.

For example, another couple, two of our best friends, have very different political beliefs than my wife’s and mine. We disagree on what we think is morally right or wrong in Washington D.C., but we’ve also learned that we can’t talk about that without getting into an argument.

Our solution? We don’t talk about those issues because we would rather have a loving, respectful relationship with them than proving who’s right or wrong.

• Agree to disagree.

In the real world, you may need to agree that on some subjects you just don’t see eye-to-eye.  You acknowledge the difference and move on … because you can disagree with someone and still work effectively as teammates. Unless the differences fall within the category of your own non-negotiable morals.

You see, it’s one thing to disagree on which candidate is best for political office, but it’s something else to have one of your employees submit fake invoices.  On the first issue of political candidates, you might agree to disagree. On the second issue of fake invoices, your moral belief that stealing is wrong may not allow you to keep silent.

• Find common ground.

Even when values differ, there are often shared goals. A boss may think bending the truth is acceptable, while you believe in radical honesty. But both of you might share a passion for serving customers well. That shared value can anchor collaboration.

The woman who disowned her daughter because of a church disagreement might have been able to find some common ground.  Rather than lose the relationship altogether, she might have found some areas on which they agree.  For example, she could have pointed out that they have the same God, the same Bible, and some of the same beliefs.  They could unite on those things and still have a relationship.

Value conflicts require maturity: knowing when to stand firm and when to preserve the relationship.

Taking It Home

In every family and every work situation there are going to be some conflicts.  Accept that.  After all, the opposite of conflict is not peace.  The opposite of conflict is problem solving.

If you don’t resolve your conflicts, they will weaken and eventually destroy your relationships, your health, and your success. Indeed, mismanaged conflict truly could be killing you right now.

So take the strategies outlined above so you handle your conflicts with skill rather than ignorance.

Final Thought: “War does not determine who is right—only who is left.”

To your extraordinary success,
Dr. Alan R. Zimmerman