Why Most People Lose at Conflict Today and How You Can Resolve It

For over 40 years, psychologist Dr. John Gottman studied why marriages succeed or fail. With eerie accuracy—up to 94%—he could predict whether a couple would divorce just by watching them argue for 15 minutes.

But here’s the kicker: it wasn’t whether they argued, it was how they argued. The successful couples handled disagreements with respect, repair, and positivity. The failing ones didn’t.

And that principle applies far beyond marriage. The same truth impacts your work relationships, your friendships, your leadership effectiveness, and your ability to influence others.

Here’s where most people go wrong. They treat every conflict the same way. Big mistake. After years of research, I discovered there are actually four types of conflict—and each one requires a different strategy. If you don’t know what type of conflict you’re in, you’re likely using the wrong strategy three out of four times.

That’s why the first step in conflict management is always to identify the type of conflict you’re dealing with. Then you can apply the right approach. In today’s Tuesday Tip, I’ll focus on the first two of those types of conflict.

► 1. Simple Conflict

This happens when two people want different things and those things are incompatible.

At home, maybe you want to spend the tax refund while your spouse wants to save it. At work, maybe you want to introduce a new procedure while your coworkers resist change.

How to handle it:

State the problem clearly. Almost no one bothers to do this. The two parties simply go at it. Neither one of them makes sure they’re even fighting about the same issue.

Let’s say that a husband and wife are fighting over a football game they’re going to attend. The wife wants to bring her brother along, but the husband doesn’t want him to come. They could argue about several issues, ranging from relatives to money to who got their way last time … and get nowhere.

But if the husband says, “Let me get it straight. What we’re hassling about is the fact that you want to bring your brother and I don’t. Is that the key issue?” It’s a straightforward statement of the problem. And it keeps the focus on one issue instead of several.

Get the facts. Why does each side feel the way they do? Bring out the reasons behind the positions.

In our example, once a straightforward statement of the problem is made, the husband could ask for the facts. He could find out why she wants her brother to come. And he could share the reasons he does not want her brother to come.

She may say, “I’d like him to come because he’s having a hard time on his job. His girlfriend left him. We haven’t seen him for three months. He’s down in the dumps, and maybe we can cheer him up.”

The husband might say, “Fine. The reason I don’t want him to come is that I’m just not in the mood to hassle with him. I always seem to get in a fight with him. I’d just like a nice fun time with you at the football game.” Find out the reasons behind your different positions.

Find a “we” solution. Look for a solution you can both live with.

In our above example, the husband and wife found a “we” solution. The husband said, “How about if we bring your brother to the football game this time, but next time it’s just the two of us.”

And she said, “Great. But let’s keep it to just the football game. We won’t take him out to dinner and talk for two hours afterwards. I know you’re not in the mood for that.”

That’s a “we” solution.

► 2. False Conflict

This is the sneakiest type because it’s not even real. False conflicts happen when miscommunication or misunderstanding convinces people they’re at odds—when in fact they actually agree.

I once had two engaged students nearly break off their relationship because of what they assumed the other person meant in a phone call. They weren’t in conflict—they were simply misinterpreting each other.

And how do you know if you have a False Conflict on your hands? You get a reaction from the other person you didn’t expect. Such as you expecting them to be thankful about something and they’re angry instead. Most likely there’s some misunderstanding going on.

How to handle it:

Ask for clarification. When someone reacts in an unexpected manner, say something like, “Help me understand… Tell me more … I don’t know what’s going on with you.”

Father John Powell described a false conflict he had… where he failed to take this first step in resolving the conflict.

He was conducting a spiritual retreat for a group of 100 high school boys. During opening prayer, during his presentation, and all throughout the first evening’s session, there was one boy who was making all kinds of disturbing noises and distracting the entire group. Father Powell was immediately angry at the boy.

When he finished his evening program, Father Powell asked the boys to sit in quiet contemplation for a few minutes before returning to their rooms.

All the boys did as instructed, except the one groaning kid who got out of his seat and quickly followed Father Powell out of the chapel. Father Powell turned around and angrily said, “Yes! What do you want?”

The boy said, “Father, I think I’m going to be sick.” And with that he ran off to his room and threw up all over the place.

Later that night, Father Powell checked in on the boy. He asked the boy, “Were you sick when you came to chapel tonight?” The boy nodded his head.

So Powell said, “If you were so sick, why didn’t you just get up and leave?” The boy replied, “Oh Father, I couldn’t have gotten up and walked out. That would have disturbed you!”

Father Powell had assumed he understood the reason behind the boy’s noisy behavior. He assumed bad intentions. And that caused a false conflict.

All Powell would have had to do is stop his presentation and ask for clarification. He could have said to the young man, “I keep hearing you make all kinds of noise. What’s going on?” And that would have been the end of the conflict.

The same is true for you. When you get a response you don’t expect, check it out!

Restate your intentions. Once you’ve clarified what’s going on with the other person, once you’ve eliminated any misunderstanding, make sure the other person understands you. Restate what you were trying to communicate, and proceed from there.

For example, if a coworker seems to take offense at a comment you made, even though you thought it to be a rather innocuous comment, restate your intention. Say something like, “I really didn’t expect you to react negatively when I shared the article I found. I wasn’t questioning your expertise at all. You’re excellent. But I thought you might find the article interesting.”

False conflicts are the easiest to resolve—if you slow down and seek understanding before reacting.

Bringing It All Home

Here’s what I want you to take away today:

Not all conflicts are created equal. Learn to identify the type you’re facing.
Keep it simple when it’s simple. State the issue clearly, gather facts, and search for a “we” solution.
Check for false conflicts. Many arguments aren’t really about disagreement at all—they’re about misunderstanding.

If you do just those three things, you’ll resolve most conflicts faster, easier, and with less damage to your relationships.