And that’s when the fight started… Now say this!
When I’m counseling an individual one-on-one or coaching a leader, quite often the client will tell me about a conflict they’re going through. And they’re wondering how to handle it.
Some of the situations can seem a little funny from the outside, but I know they’re confused and hurting on the inside. There are some things you can say or do in times like that. You’ll find my suggestions a little later in this Tuesday Tip.
But first, for a little comic relief …
EXAMPLES OF WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED …
► The lawnmower
One man talked about the time their lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run. His wife kept hinting that he should get it fixed. But somehow, he always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, whatever … always something more important than his wife’s request.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When he arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. When he came out, he handed her a toothbrush.
He said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
And that’s when the fight started. The doctors say he will walk again, but will always have a limp.
► The fishing boat
Another man got up early one Saturday morning, quietly dressed, made his lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. He hooked up his boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. So pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up next to his wife, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
His loving wife of five years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s when the fight started.
► The Scale
Finally, another man said his wife was hinting about what she wanted for their upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
So he bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight started……
We can laugh at stories like that, but the truth is we all say and do stupid things that turn into fights. The important thing is what you say and do next.
6 WAYS TO DE-ESCALATE A CONFLICT
► 1. Own it early: “I think I just messed that up. Let me try again.”
✅ Why it works: It disarms defensiveness and shows humility before the other person escalates. Taking responsibility immediately calms tension.
Example:
-
Work: After saying something that sounded dismissive in a meeting:
“Wait—I think I came across the wrong way just now. That wasn’t my intent and I’d like to rephrase it.” -
Home: After snapping at your partner about something small:
“That came out sharper than I meant. Let me try that again.”
For hundreds of people, my two-day, virtual Journey-to-the-Extraordinary program has been a life-transforming experience. The Journey will be delivered October 9-10, 2025 (from 9 am to 6 pm ET, 8 am CT, 7 am MT, 6 am PT), and you can register now and take advantage of our July Super Early-Bird Savings.
How powerful is the Journey? Listen to Jeanne Crowell who says:
At that time I attended your Journey, I was going through a very difficult time in my life. My marriage was in the midst of serious trouble, but I had just begun the process of finding my self-esteem through your subliminal CD’s. The information I learned at your Journey seminar truly changed my life. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that time, and I relied upon your techniques to get me through the eventual divorce. I learned to focus on my goals and lost 85 pounds. I learned to take on a positive attitude and discovered that I really like myself and my life. Eventually I found the man of my dreams and am enjoying my new life and my new marriage.”
Register during July and save $700. And if you register with one or more other people, you each receive another $100 in savings.
► 2. Ask for help:
✅ Why it works: It shows respect and gives control back to the other person, inviting collaboration instead of argument.
Example:
-
Work: After forgetting to include someone in an important email:
“I dropped the ball on this. How can I fix it so you’re fully in the loop?”
Home: After missing an important family event:
“I know I messed up. How can I make this up to you?”
► 3. Acknowledge emotion without defensiveness: “You have every right to be upset.”
✅ Why it works: Validating their feelings makes people feel heard and lowers the emotional temperature.
Example:
-
Work: After a co-worker feels undermined:
“You’re right—if I were in your shoes, I’d be upset too.”
Home: After a partner feels criticized:
“I see why that would hurt. I wasn’t thinking it through.”
► 4. Add clarity, not excuses: “Here’s what I meant to say and I see how it came out wrong.”
✅ Why it works: It explains intent without justifying the impact, which is key in mending trust.
Example:
-
Work: After making a comment that seemed like favoritism:
“I was trying to compliment John’s work, but I didn’t mean to minimize your contribution. That was a mistake on my part.”
Home: After a joke that landed badly:
“I was trying to be funny, but I can see how that hit a nerve. Sorry for that.”
► 5. Ask a softening question: “Can I ask what part of that upset you the most?”
✅ Why it works: It invites dialogue and shifts from reactivity to curiosity. This can reduce anger and invite specifics instead of broad criticism.
Example:
-
Work: After a tense team meeting:
“I feel like I triggered something there. What part bothered you most? I want to get it right.”
Home: After a heated discussion:
“That clearly landed wrong. Can you tell me what part hit you hardest?”
► 6. Offer a re-set: “Can we start this over?”
✅ Why it works: It creates a psychological pause, signaling willingness to repair and shift tone.
Example:
-
Work: After an argument in front of clients:
“This didn’t go how I hoped. Can we reset and find a better way to move forward together?” -
Home: After a spiraling disagreement:
“We’re both a little hot right now. Can we take a breath and restart this conversation?”
Final Thought:
These aren’t magic phrases—they only work if you mean it. When you respond with humility, curiosity, and care, most conflicts can be de-escalated—even ones you accidentally caused.
Your friend and coach,
Dr. Alan Zimmerman
|
|
