Master Complainers right now!
Perhaps you’ve noticed. The so-called “civilized” world has gotten a lot less “civilized” in the last few years. If you even dare to think a thought or utter a comment that doesn’t agree with someone else’s point of view, you’re in danger of being “cancelled.” You might lose a relationship, a job, or a whole host of things. You and I can bemoan the fact that things shouldn’t be that way, but that doesn’t fix anything. What we need are a few strategies for dealing with those difficult people, in particular the Complainers.
Let’s start with the Complainers. You’ve probably had or have a few of those in your work or personal life. They’re constantly whining, griping, nagging, and picking.
At first, it’s no big deal. You decide to just ignore them. But they don’t stop. Their complaining begins to irritate you. They bring you down and eventually you wonder how much longer you can take it before you look for another job or a different friend.
Don’t do it! Don’t let the Complainers determine your destiny. You can turn those complaining behaviors into more productive behaviors.
► 1. Approach the Complainer with a warm and friendly demeanor.
In other words, start with your own attitude. If you think of Complainers as a pain in the neck, if you approach them as the enemy, you’ll arouse the Complainers’ natural defenses. They’ll get more firmly entrenched in their negative behavior.
By contrast, if you approach the negative person with a warm and friendly demeanor, the negative person doesn’t feel the need to fight back.
Lincoln knew this. A woman asked Lincoln why he continued to speak kindly about his enemies instead of destroying them. He said, “Madam, do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
► 2. Listen to the Complainer.
Create a climate where the Complainer feels heard. Constant complainers often go on and on because they feel no one is listening. If you really listen, you can surprise, and possibly quiet, the Complainer.
While the Complainer is talking, refrain from judgment. Don’t argue with the Complainer. Don’t argue about what’s right or wrong or who’s right or wrong.
If you have to say something, just rephrase what you heard to see if you really understood it. Say something like, “So the problem is that some people get more privileges than others. Is that what you’re saying?”
► 3. Ask lots of questions.
You can show interest in what the Complainer has to say by asking for more information. Ask such things as, “How did this happen? … What else can you tell me? … How do you feel about the situation?” The more understood the Complainer feels, the less they tend to complain.
► 4. Avoid active or passive agreement.
Even if you believe the Complainer’s gripe is valid, be careful about saying so out loud or giving active agreement. The Complainer will be glad to have the company of another Complainer and may be encouraged to complain even more if you reinforce them by saying they’re right.
On the other hand, beware of silence. The Complainer might interpret your silence as passive agreement. If you disagree, say so – warmly, firmly, professionally. You want the Complainer to see you as a fair-minded colleague. You don’t want them to mistakenly claim you as an ally because of your active or passive agreement.
For a deeper understanding of how to deal with difficult people, get a copy of my recorded webinar on Difficult People: How to Spot Them and Stop Them.
Go to https://www.drzimmerman.com/product/difficult-people
► 5. State what you can and can’t do about the complaint.
Be honest about your willingness and ability to fix the complaint. Tell the Complainer what you can and can’t do in clear, easy-to-understand language.
If you’re a manager listening to an employee’s complaint, an appropriate response might sound like this: “I can make sure you are recognized for your efforts, but I can’t pay you more money.” You are focusing on what you are able to do.
If you’re listening to one of your friends go on and on about the difficulties in their life, but you never see them do anything about it, you could tell them what you are willing to do. You could say, “I’m willing to help you turn things around, but I’m not willing to listen to the same complaints month after month unless you’re actually doing something to fix the problem.”
► 6. Move toward a solution.
When the Complainer complains, they’re focusing on someone or something “out there” that is upsetting them. As long as they do that, they’re shrugging off all responsibility for making things better. So ask the Complainer what they have done to fix the situation. It might encourage the Complainer to do something more constructive than complain.
If the Complainer comes back with an “I-haven’t-done-anything” response, ask him or her how they would improve things. What could they do to make the situation better?
If they respond with an “I-don’t-know” response, you can simply say, “No problem. Take some time, think it over. Come up with some possible things you could do and then let’s go through those ideas together.” You’re moving the Complainer from being stuck to taking action.
In some cases, the Complainer’s complaint involves you personally. Then ask, “How do you suggest we solve this problem?” Notice the emphasis on we. You’re telling the Complainer that both of you have some responsibility for making things better. It’s not the two of you fighting against each other; it’s the two of you fighting the problem together.
► 7. Get a clear agreement.
In the end, get a clear agreement. You and the Complainer have to know exactly who is going to do what by when. You make commitments to do your parts, and you agree to check back with each other once in a while. You check back to celebrate the progress that’s been made and modify the agreement as needed.
This process works. It turns Complainers into problem solvers. And yes, some Complainers will be a lot more difficult than others. Some will take a lot longer to turn around. All you have to do is decide that the constant Complainers may give themselves a headache, but they’re not going to give you one.
Dr. Zimmerman’s Tuesday Tip, Issue 1265- Master Complainers right now!
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