The excuses you don’t even realize you’re making may be keeping you stuck.
I’ve spent more than 40 years working with people. And one thing continues to amaze me.
People who would never dream of giving away their house, their car, or their life savings willingly give away something far more valuable.
Their personal power.
They give it to their boss, their spouse, their coworkers, their past, and sometimes even to complete strangers.
How?
By convincing themselves that somebody else is responsible for how they feel, how they behave, or how their lives turn out.
And here’s the unfortunate part. Most people don’t even realize they’re doing it.
I know. Because I was one of them.
A rather embarrassing confession
I learned this lesson the hard way in my own marriage.
There was a time when I convinced myself that my wife was so difficult and unreasonable that we could never work things out. After all, how could I possibly improve our relationship when she was the problem?
So what did I do?
I accepted more and more speaking engagements. The more I traveled, the less time I had to spend at home dealing with our communication problems.
And that suited me just fine.
After all, it was a whole lot easier to stand in front of hundreds of people and tell them how to communicate effectively than it was to go home and practice those same skills with my own wife.
Looking back, I was being a chicken. And a hypocrite.
Here I was, an international expert in communication, teaching other people how to handle difficult relationships while avoiding the challenges in my own.
Then one day, I had to face an uncomfortable truth.
If I kicked the person responsible for so many of my problems, I wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week!
Ouch!
I realized that as long as I kept focusing on what was wrong with my wife, I was avoiding the one person whose behavior I actually had the power to change.
Me.
Now don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying every problem in our marriage was my fault. Marriage involves two people, and both have responsibilities.
But I finally recognized that I couldn’t keep waiting for my wife to change before I made an effort to change myself.
And that’s when I began to take back the personal power I had been giving away.
The excuses we don’t even recognize
We’re remarkably good at explaining why things aren’t working in our lives. Sometimes those explanations are so reasonable that we fail to recognize them for what they really are.
Excuses disguised as explanations.
I’m certainly not suggesting that everything that happens to you is your fault. Bad things happen to good people. People face serious setbacks and circumstances they never chose.
But remember this distinction:
You may not be responsible for what happened to you. But you can take responsibility for what you do next.
That’s one of the skills we develop in my NEXT-LEVEL YOU community. Recognizing an ineffective habit is a start. Learning how to replace it with something better is what gets results.
Here are three traps to watch for.
1. Watch out for the “If Only” trap.
“If only I had a better boss.”
“If only my spouse were more understanding.”
“If only I had more time.”
Sound familiar? I’ve heard hundreds of variations. And I’ll bet you’ve said a few yourself.
The problem isn’t that these statements are necessarily untrue. The problem is that the “If Only” trap puts your future on hold until somebody or something else changes.
“I’d be more motivated if I had a better boss.” Maybe so. But does that excuse doing less than your best work?
“I’d have a better marriage if my spouse would change.” That one sounds painfully familiar!
Instead of waiting for other people to change, ask yourself:
“What can I do to improve this situation, even if nothing else changes?”
2. Recognize an excuse wearing a disguise.
One of the most dangerous things about excuses is that they often contain some truth.
“I just don’t have time to exercise.”
Maybe you do have a demanding schedule. That doesn’t mean every obstacle can be overcome, but have you looked for a realistic ten-minute opportunity?
Or how about, “I’m just not good at handling conflict.”
Is that a permanent condition? Or a skill you haven’t learned yet?
Perhaps you had some terrible experiences with conflict. That’s understandable. But it doesn’t mean you can’t learn a better way.
A reason explains what happened. An excuse explains why you’re not going to do anything about it.
The next time you tell yourself something isn’t possible, ask:
“Is this a genuine obstacle I need to work around, or an excuse I’m using to avoid taking action?”
That question may make you uncomfortable. Good. Sometimes discomfort is the beginning of growth.
3. Stop letting other people control your emotional thermostat.
“He makes me so angry!”
“She ruined my whole day!”
“Those people drive me crazy!”
Ever said those things? I have.
Think about what those statements imply. Somebody else gets to decide whether you’re angry, happy, frustrated, or miserable.
That’s an awful lot of power to hand over!
Imagine having a thermostat in your home that everybody who walks through the door gets to adjust. One person turns it up. Another turns it down. Somebody sets it to freezing.
You’d be miserable.
Yet that’s what happens when every irritating remark or disappointing decision determines how you behave.
Of course, feelings are real. You can’t always control an emotional reaction. But you can learn to manage what you do next.
You can feel angry without saying something cruel. You can feel disappointed without giving up.
You don’t have to deny your feelings. You have to decide what you’re going to do with them.
Three questions to take back your power
So how do you put all this into practice? Start with three questions.
1. What am I telling myself?
“I’m too old.” “I’m not good with people.” “Nothing ever works out for me.”
Are these facts, or stories you’ve repeated so often you’ve started believing them?
2. What is actually within my control?
You may not control your boss’s decisions or somebody else’s personality. But you can often control your preparation, communication, effort, and next step.
3. What’s one thing I can do about it TODAY?
Not next month. Not when life settles down. Today.
Have the conversation you’ve been avoiding. Ask for help. Learn one skill. Take one step toward the goal you’ve been postponing.
You don’t become more powerful by waiting for life to get easier. You become more powerful by learning how to respond more effectively to the life you’ve got.
Your Tuesday Tip challenge
For the next 24 hours, listen to your own explanations. When you catch yourself saying “I can’t because…” or “If only…” ask:
“Am I describing a problem, or am I using that problem to excuse my inaction?”
Then take one constructive step. It doesn’t have to solve everything. It just has to move you forward.
Blame looks backward. Responsibility moves forward.
Keep on growing. The best is yet to come!
Dr. Alan Zimmerman
Hall of Fame Speaker | Executive Coach | Author
P.S. Give NEXT-LEVEL YOU a full month to prove itself.
Knowing WHAT to do isn’t enough. You need to know HOW to do it—and practice until it becomes a habit.
That’s why I created NEXT-LEVEL YOU™, a private online community for people who want better attitudes, stronger relationships, greater confidence, and more effective communication and accountability.
Join at the $37-per-month Founding Member rate and give yourself a full month to experience it. Attend a live class. Watch replays at your convenience. Explore the handouts and tools. Try the skills in your own life.
If you decide during your first 30 days that NEXT-LEVEL YOU isn’t right for you, just tell me. I’ll refund your $37 promptly. No hassle. No hard feelings. Your membership will be canceled so there are no further charges.
Why? Because NEXT-LEVEL YOU isn’t for everybody. It’s for people who really want to grow. I want you to be glad you joined. Otherwise, I don’t want your money.
Explore NEXT-LEVEL YOU and become a Founding Member.
Membership continues at $37 per month until canceled. Your first 30 days are covered by the refund promise above.
Your next level isn’t somebody else’s responsibility. It’s yours.