Why Conflict is Tearing Us Apart. Stop it TODAY!

Conflict. Just reading the word probably makes your stomach tighten.

Most people don’t like conflict. In fact, many of us dread it. Our minds race, our hearts pound, our sleep suffers. And yet, conflict is unavoidable. It shows up in marriages, in families, at work, and — as we’ve seen all too clearly in America — in our communities and politics.

Some experts like to say conflict is an opportunity for growth. That may be true, but only if you handle it the right way. Otherwise, it turns toxic. In fact, I would argue that our nation’s mental health crisis and the tragic murder of Charlie Kirk are reminders of what happens when conflict is mismanaged, buried, or fueled by the inflammatory words of those who disagree with you.

So let me ask you: How do you handle conflict? At home? At work? And even in the bigger picture of how you engage with people who think differently than you?

When I asked myself that question years ago, I didn’t like my answers. That’s why I wrote my Ph.D. dissertation on conflict resolution because my marriage wasn’t going well and I didn’t know how to resolve our conflicts.

In the process of doing my research, I learned that conflict almost always boils down to one simple fact: something is missing. And when you can identify what’s missing, you’re on your way to resolving the conflict.

In my experience, there are five missing ingredients that cause most of our conflicts.

► 1. Missing Communication

Have you ever gotten mad at your spouse, coworker, or teenager because they didn’t do what you expected … only to realize later you never made your expectations clear?

When people don’t know exactly what’s wanted, they feel insecure, and insecurity breeds resistance.

At work, this might sound like: “I thought you knew the deadline.” At home, it’s: “Why didn’t you tell me that’s what you wanted?”

If you want fewer conflicts, start by being crystal clear about what you want, when you want it, and why. Don’t assume people can read your mind. Clear communication may be the single fastest way to lower tension.

Challenge for you this week: Identify one area at home or work where people often seem confused. What could you say more clearly, kindly, and directly?

► 2. Missing Comfort

Sometimes people do understand what you expect — they just don’t like it. Maybe your spouse thinks your request feels controlling. Maybe your coworker feels overloaded. Maybe your teenager thinks your rule is unfair.

When people feel too uncomfortable, they push back.

Your job is not always to back down, but to show empathy. You can say, “I understand this feels like a lot,” or “I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear.” Empathy doesn’t mean agreement — it means acknowledgment. And acknowledgment creates comfort, even in tough conversations.

Challenge: The next time someone resists you, pause and ask: “How does this feel to you?” Then listen before you press forward.

► 3. Missing Trust

Here’s the truth: if someone doesn’t trust you, everything you say or do will be filtered through suspicion.

I’ve seen it in organizations: employees resist management because they don’t trust them.

I’ve seen it in marriages: years of broken promises make every conversation fragile.

And we see it in our nation: widespread mistrust is built when people of different opinions call each other names such as Nazis, Fascists, Communists, bigots, racists, and narrow-minded hate mongers. People become more and more polarized and less and less trusting of “the other side,” which can lead to everything from communication breakdowns to gruesome violence.

Trust is not built in a day, but it is built every day. Every time you treat someone with respect and dignity, you make a deposit in your relationship trust account. Every time you keep your word, listen respectfully, or follow through, you make another deposit. Every time you ignore, dismiss, or betray, you make a withdrawal. And when your account gets too low, conflict erupts.

Challenge: Think of one person where trust has eroded. What small promise can you keep this week to start rebuilding it?

► 4. Missing Concern

Sometimes conflict boils down to simple indifference. Someone just doesn’t care — about the team, the project, or the relationship … and you do.

In other words, what’s missing is the other person’s concern. It’s the employee who says, “I’m just here for the paycheck.” The teenager who shrugs, “Whatever. Do what you want.” The spouse who tunes out instead of tuning in.

When you see someone’s indifference, it’s usually coming from the fact they don’t feel like they make any difference.

The solution? Help them connect to meaning. Show them why it matters. Remind them how their effort impacts others.

Challenge: Ask one person in your life this week, “What matters most to you right now?” Then look for ways to connect their concerns with your requests.

► 5. Missing Rewards

Finally, sometimes people can’t see any rewards if they change or cooperate with you. So they do nothing or just enough to get by.

As corny as it might sound, everyone tunes into the same radio station all day long … WIIFM … or “What’s In It For Me?” If they can’t see some reward, they’re more likely to fight you than work with you.

You need to show people the rewards. That’s why parents use allowance charts, companies use bonuses, and even friendships thrive on give-and-take. When people see and feel the rewards — not always with money, but with appreciation, respect, and recognition — they are far more willing to work with you than fight against you.

Challenge: Think of one person in your circle who’s been giving more than they’re receiving. How could you reward or recognize them this week?

► Pulling It Together

Almost every conflict in your life can be traced back to one of these five missing ingredients:

Communication
Comfort
Trust
Concern
Rewards

Supply the missing piece and most conflicts begin to dissolve. Ignore them and the problems just don’t go away — they multiply, creating stress, broken relationships, and sometimes even tragedies as horrific as the murder of Charlie Kirk last week.

That’s why conflict resolution isn’t just a “soft skill” for the workplace. It’s a survival skill for our families, our communities, and our nation. If we don’t learn to talk, trust, and care again — at every level — we’ll continue to see rising anxiety, broken homes, toxic workplaces, and yes, even more public violence.

So here’s the challenge for you:

Think about your latest conflict at work or at home. Which missing ingredient was at play?
What can you do this week to add that ingredient back in?

Conflict will always be with us. But if we can handle it better, maybe we can heal not just our workplaces and families, but our fractured society as well.