It doesn’t matter whether you’re a business owner, manager, parent, spouse, volunteer leader, or football coach. Sooner or later, you want the answer to one question: How do I get people to work with me?

A lot of so-called experts answer that question with techniques for pushing, pressuring, or maneuvering people. Those tactics may produce compliance for a while. But compliance is not cooperation. Compliance says, “I’ll do it because I have to.” Cooperation says, “I’m willing to work with you.”

The wiser question is: How do I get someone to do what I’m asking because that person wants to do it?

The answer is what I call the Cooperation Principle: To the degree you give other people what they need, they will be more willing to give you what you need.

That principle comes down to two basic steps. They are simple. But as I’ve often said, common sense is not always common practice.

1. You’ve got to know what they need

People respond to their needs, not yours. That may sound obvious, but it is one of the most frequently ignored truths in human relationships.

Frank Bettger learned that lesson the hard way. After an injury ended his professional baseball career, he began selling life insurance—and it did not go well. By age 29, he described himself as a debt-ridden failure. Then he learned that he had been spending far too much time explaining the wonderful features of his product and far too little time asking prospective customers what they actually needed.

Once he changed his focus, his career changed. He stopped seeing people as targets and started seeing them as individuals he might be able to help. He became so successful that he retired at 41.

The same principle applies far beyond sales. If you want an employee to embrace a change, find out what worries them about it. If you want your spouse to support a plan, discover what matters most to him or her. If you want a volunteer to take on more responsibility, ask what would make the assignment meaningful—or manageable.

In other words, stop guessing. Ask. Then listen long enough to hear the answer.

Try questions such as: “What is most important to you here?” “What concerns you?” “What would make this easier?” or “What would a good outcome look like for you?” And don’t ask those questions while mentally preparing your rebuttal. That is not listening. That is reloading.

2. You have to give them what they need

Knowing is not enough. Once you understand what matters to the other person, you have to respond in a way that person can recognize and receive.

I once had a woman in one of my workshops tell me how much she loved her young son. I asked how she showed it. She said she fixed his meals, did his laundry, and cleaned his room. I asked how old he was. She said, “Two.”

I had to smile. I don’t know many two-year-olds who say, “I know Mommy loves me. Just look at the quality of this laundry service!” To a small child, love is more likely spelled T-I-M-E and T-O-U-C-H. Her heart was in the right place, but she was expressing love in her language, not his.

We make the same mistake at work. A manager gives an employee more independence when the employee actually needs clearer direction. A spouse offers solutions when the other person needs empathy. A team leader gives a pep talk when the team needs honest information.

My research and experience suggest that most people need some combination of five things before they readily cooperate:

a. They need to feel welcome

When a colleague walks into the building, joins a Zoom call, or approaches you with a question, that person’s first need is to feel welcome—to know that both their presence and their input are wanted.

And they need to hear it in your words and tone. When someone calls your office, do they hear “I’m glad you called,” or a hurried “Yeah, what do you need?”

When you come home, does your spouse hear “It’s good to see you,” or receive a nonverbal “Please don’t bother me” message? You cannot make people feel like an interruption and then wonder why they are not eager to cooperate.

At work, try the four-minute rule. Instead of spending the first few minutes of the day checking email, spend four minutes connecting with your teammates. Greet them. Ask a question. Notice something. That tiny investment can make a surprisingly large difference in engagement.

b. They need to feel comfortable

Feeling welcome gets a person through the door. Feeling comfortable allows that person to stay, speak honestly, and participate fully.

Are you known for patience and encouragement, or for having a short fuse? Can people tell you what they really think, or do they say one thing in the staff meeting and something quite different in the hallway afterward? People cooperate more readily when they feel comfortable around you rather than on edge.

If you are not sure how comfortable people feel around you, ask. Believe me, they know. Then do one thing every day to make the relationship safer, friendlier, and easier to enter.

c. They need to feel understood

Understanding does not mean agreeing with everything another person says. It means hearing the person before you judge, correct, or rush in with your solution.

Suppose a customer brings you a complaint you have heard ten times before. You may be tempted to interrupt with, “Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.” Don’t. Even if you understand, the customer is not convinced until they have told their story and you have asked a few thoughtful questions.

Let the person finish. Then check your understanding: “So what concerns you most is…” or “It sounds like the hardest part was…” People are far more willing to hear your answer after they know you have heard theirs. Feeling heard is often the doorway to cooperation.

d. They need to feel important

This is not about flattering someone or inflating an ego. It is about communicating, “You matter. Your ideas matter. Your work makes a difference.” Excellent managers do that by getting to know their people, asking for their thinking, listening carefully, and connecting their contribution to a larger purpose.

Benjamin Franklin understood this need. When the French foreign minister, Vergennes, resisted his diplomatic efforts, Franklin asked to borrow a rare book from Vergennes’ library. The request communicated, “You have knowledge I value.” Vergennes loaned him the book, and that exchange helped open a more cooperative relationship.

You can do the same without locating a French foreign minister: ask for someone’s advice, invite their expertise, or say, “I respect…” “I admire…” or “I value…” followed by a specific quality you have observed.

e. They need to feel appreciated

Importance and appreciation are related, but they are not identical. Importance says, “You and your contribution matter.” Appreciation says, “I noticed what you did, and I am grateful.”

Psychologist William James said that the deepest craving in human nature is the desire to be appreciated. People need more than silent gratitude; they need to hear it.

You may never be able to give employees all the money they want or customers every discount they request. But you can extend sincere appreciation again and again. Be specific. Thank an employee for going the extra mile or adapting during change. Thank a customer for their business and trust. Thank your spouse for something you have quietly enjoyed but rarely acknowledged. Generic praise can sound automatic. Specific appreciation sounds and feels real.

Notice that none of these five needs requires manipulation, a large budget, or a three-day retreat at a luxury resort. They require attention. Often it takes only a sincere greeting, a patient question, a safer response, an invitation to contribute, or one specific sentence of appreciation.

The trouble is, many people have the sequence backwards. A parent says, “I’ll believe in my child after the grades improve.” A manager says, “I’ll trust my employee after she proves herself.” A salesperson says, “I’ll get enthusiastic after I make the sale.”

Cooperation usually works in the opposite direction. First you encourage, and performance improves. First you extend appropriate trust, and people rise to it. First you bring genuine enthusiasm, and others become interested.

You give before you get not because you are keeping score, but because cooperation grows where people feel understood, respected, and valued.

Your Tuesday Tip action step

Choose one person whose cooperation you need this week. Before asking that person for anything, ask yourself two questions: What does this person need from me? And what can I do today to provide it?

You may be surprised at how quickly a resistant relationship begins to change when the other person no longer feels managed, pushed, or overlooked and starts feeling understood.

Continue the conversation in NEXT-LEVEL YOU™

Today, Tuesday, August 18, we’re starting our focus on Engaged Cooperation inside NEXT-LEVEL YOU™. We’ll go beyond getting people to comply and explore practical ways to build the trust, understanding, and involvement that make people want to work with you.

You can join at any time and never be behind because every lesson and live class stands on its own. If better cooperation would improve your work, your family, or your community leadership, I’d love to have you join us.

Click here to learn more or register for NEXT-LEVEL YOU™.