After speaking to thousands of employees and leaders over the years, I’ve discovered something surprising. Most people don’t leave jobs because of the work. They leave because of the people.
It’s the micromanaging boss.
The chronic complainer.
The know-it-all.
The person who resists every change, creates drama, or turns every conversation into a conflict.
Most people spend far more time learning how to do their jobs than learning how to deal with difficult people.
One of my seminar participants, Paul Faust, a project manager at Wells Fargo Financial, put it perfectly when he said, “Dr. Zimmerman hit me squarely between the eyes when he said, ‘The soft skills are the hard skills.’”
And he’s right.
The ability to deal effectively with difficult people often determines your success more than technical expertise ever will.
The good news? You don’t have to let difficult people control your attitude, your performance, or your peace of mind.
1. Choose Your Fights Carefully
Many people make one of two mistakes.
Some avoid conflict completely.
Others fight every battle.
Neither approach works.
If you want better results, choose your fights carefully. As I tell my clients, “Not every conflict deserves your attention. Wisdom is knowing which battles matter.”
Before confronting someone, ask yourself three questions.
Does a Threat Exist?
Is this person’s behavior truly interfering with your happiness, relationships, effectiveness, reputation, or success?
Is It Worth the Fight?
Some things are worth fighting for. Others are not.
I worked with a father who spent nearly a year fighting with his teenage son over his long hair.
Eventually, he realized he was winning arguments and losing the relationship.
The haircut wasn’t worth sacrificing the bond he had with his son.
So he let it go.
Sometimes wisdom isn’t knowing when to fight.
It’s knowing when not to.
If I Fight, Can I Make a Difference?
Is there a reasonable chance the other person will listen, change their position, or compromise?
If your experience tells you there is absolutely no chance of progress, don’t waste your energy.
On the other hand, if you believe there’s a reasonable chance you can make a difference, speak up.
Action Step
Before confronting a difficult person, ask yourself:
- Does a threat exist?
- Is it worth the fight?
- Can I make a difference?
Only proceed if you can answer “yes” to all three questions.
2. Don’t Get Hooked — Stay Calm
Once you’ve decided an issue is worth addressing, don’t make the mistake of becoming emotionally hooked.
Someone criticizes you.
You get defensive.
Someone complains.
You complain right back.
Someone becomes argumentative.
You match their intensity.
Now you’re no longer managing the situation.
The situation is managing you.
Difficult people gain power when they control your emotions.
The moment you’re so angry, frustrated, or upset that you can’t think clearly, you’ve given away control.
Before you respond, pause and ask yourself:
“What’s the most productive response here?”
Not the quickest response.
Not the most emotional response.
The most productive response.
If a difficult person is starting to rob you of your composure and confidence, take a break. Call a timeout. Take a short walk. Do whatever you need to do to pull yourself and your power back together.
While you’re doing that, tell yourself:
“I can handle this.”
Decide that even though the difficult person may give himself a headache, he is not going to give you one.
Action Step
If you feel yourself getting emotionally hooked:
- Delay your response.
- Take a short walk if necessary.
- Refocus on the outcome you want.
Choose your response instead of reacting emotionally.
3. Adopt a Learning Attitude
Years ago, an IBM executive told me something I’ve never forgotten.
“The people who frustrate me most are often my greatest teachers.”
At first, that sounded ridiculous.
Then I realized he was right.
The people who frustrate us most often reveal blind spots, weaknesses, and opportunities we would otherwise miss.
That doesn’t mean their behavior is acceptable.
It simply means there may be something useful to learn.
The next time someone drives you crazy, ask:
“What can this person teach me?”
You’ll spend less energy fighting and more energy growing.
Action Step
When someone frustrates you, ask yourself:
- What concern might this person see that I don’t?
- What weakness in my thinking might they be exposing?
- What can I learn from this interaction?
You’ll be amazed at how much calmer and more effective you become when curiosity replaces combat.
4. Take an Open-Minded Approach
One of the fastest ways to create conflict is to assume:
“I’m right and they’re wrong.”
The truth is that people see the world through different experiences, priorities, fears, and expectations.
When someone disagrees with you, don’t automatically assume they’re difficult.
They may simply see something you don’t.
So start responding instead of reacting.
Try using these phrases:
- “Help me understand your perspective.”
- “Tell me more.”
- “What am I missing?”
- “Walk me through your thinking.”
- “What’s your recommended alternative?”
One of my coaching clients had an employee who challenged nearly every decision. At first, he fought back and meetings became tense. Eventually, he began asking questions instead of defending himself. Within a few months, the relationship improved dramatically and the entire team became more collaborative.
Action Step
Before disagreeing, seek understanding.
Ask one more question than you normally would.
Your goal isn’t necessarily agreement. Your goal is understanding first and finding better solutions second.
When dealing with difficult people, remember this simple formula:
Choose your battles. Control your emotions. Stay curious. Seek understanding.
Those four habits won’t eliminate difficult people, but they’ll dramatically reduce the damage difficult people can do.
The Bottom Line
Difficult people aren’t going away.
Every workplace, family, volunteer organization, and community contains challenging personalities.
The goal isn’t to eliminate difficult people.
The goal is to become more skillful in how you deal with them.
If your organization would benefit from practical strategies on communication, conflict, leadership, accountability, or workplace effectiveness, I’d be delighted to help through a keynote presentation, virtual program, or on-site training session.
And if you’re looking for ongoing personal growth and practical success strategies, keep an eye out for my upcoming NEXT-LEVEL YOU™ community. One of our 12 pillars is Constructive Conflict, where we’ll dive deep into what actually works when dealing with difficult people, disagreements, resistance, and workplace tension.
The community is getting closer to opening. Founding members will be able to lock in the lowest tuition they’ll ever pay, and that rate will never increase.
Because you can’t always choose the people in your life, but you can choose how you respond to them.
Dr. Alan Zimmerman
CPAE Speaker Hall of Fame
Zimmerman Communi-Care Network
alan@drzimmerman.com
(239) 273-7743 – Work
www.DrZimmerman.com