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Stress Management:
Whether or not you knew someone who died in the September 11
attack, we all lost a great deal on that day. We
lost America as we knew it. We lost a lot of our fellow
citizens, and we lost some of our peace, comfort, and
trust.
We're all grieving. That's our natural response to loss.
However, there's a proper and healthy way to grieve, a way
that will help you get through this and any future loss.
First, RECOGNIZE YOUR LOSS. Most people expect to feel
grief with the loss of a life. But even positive
changes, such as a marriage or a new house result in a
loss. In fact, any change in life means the loss of
something else, and feelings of grief can kick in.
Initially, a loss can numb you. I know that happened
to me with regard to the events of September 11.
Loss can bring so much change that you feel overwhelmed
by a sense of unreality.
You may even ask yourself, "Did it really happen?"
The first step is recognizing your loss. The less
time you spend in denial, the more time you have to get
on with your life.
Second, EXPERIENCE THE PAIN. Sometimes, when you're
dealing with a loss, your feelings may be so intense
that you try to avoid them. But tears, sadness, and
other expressions of grief do not mean you're "breaking
down. "You're actually "breaking through. "Minimizing
your pain, or trying to suppress it with alcohol or
drugs, only postpone the day you must face it. So
allow yourself to feel the pain.
Your emotions are a lot like ocean waves. Like the waves,
the grieving process follows a natural course that builds
and recedes. It can't be rushed, and it can't be turned
back. And like the waves, the waves of grief, with their
intense emotional, physical, and mental undercurrents, can
wash over you for some time. You may want to resist, but
"flowing" with these waves helps you accept your loss and
focus on a hopeful future.
In terms of emotions, you will go through five distinct
emotions when you're faced with a loss. You will start
with DENIAL. You simply don't want to believe the loss
occurred. Then you experience ANGER. You feel
"robbed. "You're angry with the person you lost or
caused the loss. You're angry because he or she hurt you.
Then GUILT washes over you. You may think you're somehow
responsible for the loss. You think you could have done
more to prevent the loss, and you feel guilty about
feeling angry. That can turn to DESPAIR. You feel
varying degrees of sadness and loneliness as you yearn
for the past.
Finally, if you're moving through the grief process in a
healthy way, you feel HOPE. You gradually accept your
loss and adjust to the changes it brings. You start to
have hope for the future.
Waves of grief can wash over you whenever something
reminds you of your loss. Just when you think you should
be "over" your loss, special dates, pictures, even songs
or smells can kick off another wave of grief that you
must again work through. By flowing with these waves,
and not struggling against them, you'll find that hope
comes more easily each time. As time passes, these waves
will grow smaller, less frequent, and easier to deal with.
Third, USE THE POSITIVE "BUT. "In any situation, in
any loss, there is always some good. If you can balance
each painful loss with a corresponding good, you will
arrive at hope a lot more quickly.
For example, as horrible as our loss at the World Trade
Center, the Pentagon and Pennsylvania tend to be, a lot
of good is coming out of this. Americans are renewing
their patriotism and turning to their God. Americans
are reaching out with their time, their blood, and money
to help in any way they can. And Americans are taking
actions that will create a safer, freer world.
To get specific, if you're dealing with a loss, take a
piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On
the top left-hand side, write the word "Losses," and
list all your losses, big and small.
On the top right-hand side, write the word "Blessings,"
and list all your blessings that counteract or offset
your losses. I call it the "positive but. "
For example, I had an 85-year old lady in one of my
programs a while ago. She was a delightful individual,
still investing in her personal development, although
she had her losses. When we did the above exercise, she
wrote on the left side, "I lost my husband. "Then she
wrote on the right side "BUT I still have my children. "
She continued, "I lost a lot of money when my stocks
dropped drastically, BUT I still have my house which
is paid for. My hearing has gotten rather poor, BUT I
can still see very well to read. My son moved out of
town, BUT he still calls me on the phone every week. "
Do you see the point? She could have focused all her
energy on the left side, on the fact she lost a husband,
lost some money, lost some hearing, and had her son move.
She could have focused on all her losses and been fairly
depressed. But she chose to offset her losses with
blessings, to focus on the right side, and coped quite
well demonstrating good stress management.
Finally, if you just can't get past your loss and your
grief, TAKE EXTRA GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF. The grieving
process can wear you out. So pay special attention to
your need for rest and nourishment. Try some exercise,
as that can help release the pent-up feelings and stress
of grief. Put unrelated stressful decisions on hold, at
least initially, and set some goals that you can
realistically achieve.
Part of that self-care is finding some good listeners.
Telling others how you feel helps you to recognize and
accept your loss. I know I've been using this strategy
every day since our national disaster on September 11.
When you look for good listeners, others who have weathered
grief can reassure you that you're not alone. But
avoid "advice givers" or people who try to offer solutions.
You have to ride the waves of grief at your pace, not
theirs. Choose people you trust or have supported you in
the past. And the best listeners are ones who won't be
embarrassed by your strong emotions.
All of us had our hearts pierced on September 11, and
we'll have our hearts pierced many times in the future.
As much as I hate to say it, loss and grief will always be
a part of our lives. The good news is, if you deal with
your loss appropriately, it doesn't have to crush your
hope.
Action on Stress Management:
This week, I encourage you to use the positive "BUT"
strategy. Write down your losses and balance those
with blessings. You'll renew your energy and fire up
your resolve.
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